We often lose ourselves during our battles – whether it be spiritually or physically. What does it taste like? Hurt, pain and suffering? They all of have one thing in common and that is temptation. The desire to do something out of your comfort zone convincing you it’s for the good. It will get your mind off the situation – temporarily.

Then what happens? You go crazy. I went crazy. I got sucked up into this loophole of uncertainty. Asking God why me. What is my purpose, I got lost searching for it. The closer you get to something good, the harder our struggles become. Why? Because the devil will stop at nothing to make sure we don’t figure it out. I write this as I go through a big change in my life. A new step. Although, I do feel like I’m stepping out. A fresh start, a new opportunity.

I don’t know who is reading this but it took me 5 years to realize that our biggest enemy is not the devil, he is nothing but a joke. Your biggest enemy is yourself, your mind. And the devil will only take advantage of that.

My friend asked me about my testimony, which is weird because he knows about it. He told me, ‘well yes but I don’t know what you went through. You just said you went through something dark’. Well, its the truth and to be honest it didn’t go away and that’s when I realized I was trying to push a part of me away and it’s impossible considering God made you in His image and loves you whole heartedly.

So the taste you ask? Anyway, it’s tasteless and on a good day, its bitter. The pain you ask? Its a gnawing pain in your soul, makes you disorientated and the tears you’ll cry will burn your face. You become your own enemy and your best friend will be the voice in your head. The voice is not who you think it is. There’s no advice I can do to prevent you from going through the same thing but I can say something to lessen it’s excruciating pain.

Its unfortunately a phrase that is normalized and has no meaning today. But seek meaning, and hold the heck onto it –

Be kind to YOURSELF. Keep going. You have a purpose and if you’re gone, its something the world will never be able to see. Not only will you lose yourself but the world will be mourning without knowing it. There’s people in your life for a reason, friends who hurt you for a reason but one thing is for sure – you’re here for a reason.

Those sleepless nights crying to songs. I understand and you are not alone. But don’t push yourself away.

I was too busy helping others, I neglected myself. I hurt Aimee and didn’t even give her an apology.