This post is for 2024. I will be too scared to post it then so I am now and I’m just going to leave it here because I think it’s important to post how I feel regardless of whether it’s good or bad. I am not going to put on a show and pretend my life is perfect.

Few nights ago God called me. He finally revealed His voice to me. I went to church for the first time in a long time. I stood in front of everyone making a promise to be better. What no one knows is that I went up there to pray for someone in particular – it was not for me.

It was surreal because they looked at me with so much love in their eyes even though they didn’t know me. It’s weird how a love of a stranger can feel like home.

As special as the day was, I still mourn for something I can’t put my finger on. I haven’t slept in a week. I was rushed to the ER a few days ago because of a sudden and bad case of food poisoning.

I serve God, I’m not saying everything should go right for me but sometimes it’s hard seeing the beauty in things when things just don’t get better.

I seek something I will never get. Maybe I did do wrong, maybe I put too many walls up. Maybe it was the only thing protecting me. Maybe it was all I had.

I have had a rough few years, I’m not saying it should define me, but it does hurt. All those years repressing all the emotions because I was wrapped in so much work and now that I have more time on my hands it’s like I struggle to juggle feeling all of it at once.

Writing this makes me vulnerable. I’m not going to pretend I’m okay. I will never understand why I had to learn how terrible this world is from such a young age. I will never understand why I never had an easy childhood – why I never got to be a kid.

I will never understand why I need to constantly struggle to breathe, and once I finally get a breath of fresh air things just go downhill again.

I just feel like my efforts are not seen. I feel like I’m unheard, I feel like I can never make her happy. I am trying. Why do I need her validation you ask? I’m older and it should be okay if we do not agree with each other from time to time. I am my own person and I have my own voice.

This is just a lonely world and I don’t understand the dynamics of it. But maybe I don’t have to. Maybe I need to stop taking things so seriously.

Faith is believing in something that you can’t see or know for sure is real. I know His real, so maybe it’s more than faith. It’s insane how no matter what happens to me that my faith will still stand.

I just want change. I want to sleep, I want rest. I want to live knowing you’re okay. I want her to be okay. To see me. My emotions are based off how she feels, when she is off I feel it too. I’m scared. She is a good person, but she can either make my days the most beautiful or the worst days I will ever have in my entire life.

I’m never going to be happy like this, I will never have the opportunity to show her that I’m better than what she thinks. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m not a rebellious individual. I never did drugs, I never drank, I never partied, I never had sex, I was always home. I never went through phases like a typical child. I studied, I got good results. I’m a damn good person and I am finally not too shy to say it. I shouldn’t be ashamed for finally being confident in who I am.

I live to do good by you and others for all my life. So how come strangers, see the good in me and my own blood sees someone who is lazy and messy and unorganized. It’s an insult to my character, the character that you should know. What did I do for you to see me this way?

What’s wrong about wearing your heart on you sleeves?

What’s wrong with having walls built up because you got hurt?

What’s wrong with growing up?

What’s wrong with being human?

What will it take for you to see me?

There’s nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeves.

There’s nothing wrong with having walls built up because of trauma.

There’s nothing wrong with growing up.

There’s nothing wrong with being human.

And I can’t change the way you see me.

I am 20 next year and I am going to live. I am not going to feel bad for it.

I am finally going to be the kid I never got to be and that is not a crime.